I was talking to my husband about the current news of the little girl who has been declared dead in California after suffering from severe hemorrhage following tonsillectomy (removal of her tonsils). I told him my synopsis of the story and we both immediately agreed that we would too keep her on life support for a period of time. Right after I said that if I were her mother, I would exhaust every resource before I give up and declare her dead, I felt connected to that mom.
For two years I have wondered daily, if keeping my own daughter Grace in life support was the right thing to do for her. Time and time again, I cried and blamed myself for being selfish, for fighting for her life. This I do not expect ANYONE to understand, unless you have been in a similar situation. Do you ever get that feeling that you wish you could turn back time to that one moment in your life when you made a life decision that complete changed your life? That is the same feeling I would get over and over again, every time I thought of Grace's fight for survival during her short five days of life. I felt guilty for her suffering, I felt pain for her struggle, and wondered if keeping her alive, and on the ventilator was even cruel. I kept thinking about how cruel and selfish I had been, and given the chance to go back in time, I would just let her go peacefully and not insist on her survival.
After sharing the news with my husband about the little girl who has been declared "brain dead" in California, I felt a page turning, a chapter ending, and closure for a terrible feeling of guilt within myself. It happened right after I said "I would do everything for her, I would not stop fighting until all hope is lost". So now, I know that even if there was a way to turn back time I would just do the same, follow the same course of action, do everything possible before losing hope for my little Grace. And I have released that feeling of guilt and I did what I did because I did not want to lose my daughter. Call it being selfish, insensitive, or whatever you think but you cannot judge us until you have been in that situation. When your child's life is on the line, you do everything possible, and sometimes even the impossible to save your child in any type of situation. You pray, you hope, you look for answers, you do everything you can imagine to save your child. Like this little girl's parents, I researched possibilities in ways no one can imagine. I talked to hospital directors, department chiefs in the best hospitals across the U.S. all this I did to try to save my daughter. Unfortunately her heart stopped beating and she gave up, but I will always know that never gave up on her.
As I read down the nasty comments on the published news story on CNN, accusing the parents of being ignorant, fortune chasers, among other derogatory adjectives, I think, YOU do not know! It is easy to judge someone when you have never been in their shoes.
To the parents of Jahi: Keep researching, keep fighting, until you cannot fight anymore. Keep on doing what you feel is best for her, until you give up hope and feel there is nothing more to be done or she decides to give up and her heart stops beating. Whatever you do, do it from your heart because you will not get another chance to do what you need to do, and if don't follow your heart, you will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.
ARTICLE:
http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/06/health/jahi-mcmath-girl-brain-dead/#cnn-disqus-area
